I have this new thing I've been doing with my kids where when they're totally acting like shits and digging their heels in out of pure stubborness and my genes and their fathers' in them, I give them a chance to have a do-over. "Do-over" means the four days of no screens, whole week of … Continue reading Wanna Try a Do-over?
Sometimes I tell people that if I was left to my own devices and had no other living things depending on me to not be horrible, I would live naked on a room-sized pile of dirty laundry. I would weave weed-stems and bones into my hair, paint stripes on my cheeks with cigarette ashes while … Continue reading I Made Myself Go To Therapy Again
I took this photo from a bridge over the Chicago River last January. I'd had a stairs-induced panic attack in the Art Institute that ended in me pouring sweat and crying. I was on a date. Winter and I have a history of not getting along well. But I've been embracing it this year. Walking … Continue reading 01/22/2019
For three days after I turned into a Prozac Dragon, I didn't take my medicine. Prozac Dragon is the fun name I made up for when my antidepressant capsule got hung up somewhere in my esophagus last week (December 12, 2018, to be exact--a Wednesday. I was supposed to work at the bar, and when … Continue reading Right Now, I Need My Meds
Grace is waking up as late as your dizzy, dizzy head needs to and knowing that a stream of angels will pass through today, that your bar manager is getting your day covered for tomorrow so you can move out of your apartment on time. It's relocating your three customers on yesterday's shift (favorites all--trusted--five … Continue reading 12/6/18
If my daughter stands any chance of surviving her sexual trauma, I have to deal with my own. Yesterday I hung on the neck of an abuser I love like fireworks. The only maniac who would huff gasoline with me in ___________'s basement when we were kids. An ex-roommate who threw his lit cigarette at … Continue reading OMG. WTF, Me?
I can't slow it down. What if I just start typing it all? The whole river that's coming through my head. Word after word after word—there's no way to do it. The moment I start making sentences, organization begins. All those words, all those feelings I've learned to associate with sound conventions designed to transmit … Continue reading Journal 11/20/18
I know it's only November. I know that neither meteorological nor astronomical winter has started yet in the Northern Hemisphere, that the meanest part of autumn hasn't hit and I shouldn't complain, but there are snowflake lights hanging in the business district where I live and my Facebook feed is getting saturated with Old Timey … Continue reading Sun In Winter
Meds swallowed and half a cup of coffee down by 9:38 in the morning. Plans to visit a Friend at 11 moved to 11:30 so I can take a shower, scrub my face, and fix my hair before I leave the house (yesterday's attempt was bizarre, and I know it). Right now I'm barefoot with … Continue reading It Always Gets Better
Boyfriend says it's important to get up and shower every day. He says, Leave the house for something. You have to or you'll go crazy. I tell him, No major life decisions when you're manic, and he agrees. We talk for nearly an hour, his manic chatter recognized and named, my seizure-like anxiety (it's sudden and … Continue reading Crazy Love