OMG, what is wrong with you?
Starting with when I was 12 (that’s when my mother took me to see a psychiatrist for the first time):
Oppositional Defiant Disorder
Attention Deficit Disorder
Major Depressive Disorder
I don’t believe all that. Dr. Me says I definitely have the panic disorder and PTSD. I’m not rejecting the bipolar II, nor am I sold on the diagnosis.
Do you take medicine?
I don’t take mood stabilizers or antidepressants. I’ve dabbled in them in the past, and each time I’ve felt that the new sets of conditions created by those medications are harder for me to manage than the symptoms inherent to my diagnoses.
I do have a benzo prescription, and I dissolve one under my tongue as an absolute last resort. I have a significant history of addiction, so those kinds of medicines are extra dangerous for me.
I’m a loud advocate for cannabis, and I used it daily to treat my PTSD.
Why do you do this?
Every once in a while, I get a message from a stranger that reads something like this: Omg, it’s like you’re inside my head. And for a moment, we’re connected. And we both feel better. I catch my breath. That’s why I do this.
Isolation isn’t good for anyone. When your head is on fire and you can’t sort out the noise, when very physical things are happening to you and it seems impossible that it could be symptoms of anxiety—IT MUST BE THE DYING—it’s consoling and stabilizing to find out that someone else feels the exact same way (and they didn’t even die from it).
And for me, just the act of writing these things out helps. So I do it to relieve some of the pressure inside my own head, and I do it in hope that someone hears me.