Where Did This Come From?

Remember when Should I kill myself or have a cup of coffee? memes went around social media for a few weeks in 2018? They hit home with me. As a brief philosophy major, a recovering addict, a genetic recipient of mental illness, and a writer—I really liked them.

They’re based on a supposed quote from Albert Camus about how every day when we wake up, we have the choice to either kill ourselves or make a cup of coffee and see what happens instead. Here’s a really great piece on the concept by Skye C. Cleary. It looks at both the Stoic and the Existentialist approach to the option of suicide, and it’s not nearly as boring as that might sound.

Aha!, said my brain, upon spying the first meme. There is the umbrella concept for all the shit you write about all the shit you do. And that’s what this is: a place where I write about whatever I do instead of dying.

I don’t blog here daily. Not even weekly. I try to only place words here when I really have something to say. I write about my adventures, I write about my symptoms, and I try to keep a sense of humor about all of it. Sometimes there’s a poem. Apologies.

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I have a traitor brain. It panics and falls into sadness.

My head is filled with wrong impulses that sometimes suck me into paranoia and intrusive thoughts that come as pictures in my head of dying and undesired mantrasshe killed herself slips off my tongue sometimes when I get anxious. Also, my brain loves to get high. I use my own blend of 12-step ideas, self-awareness, and medical weed to keep myself healthy and alive.

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If you’re experiencing a mental health crisis, if you’re afraid of or planning to kill yourself right now, please call someone. Right now. The number for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is 800-273-8255. U.S. residents can also text the word HOME to 741741 to reach Crisis Text Line (686868 will get you there in Canada, and if you’re in the UK, use 85258). These services are available 24/7. Someone loves you. I promise.