Just drink the coffee.
My brain had a panic attack — the Send ALL the Adrenaline kind — while I slept last night. It woke me. Right around 1:30 in the morning, I woke up gripped with the fear/certainty that I was literally dying. When I was 19, I liked eating acid in the middle of the night when … Continue reading Captain’s Log: Stardate 08192019
Friends who call out your bullshit while it falls off your lips are the only kind I can have right now. The delivery can vary—one can listen until you're done then break it down, another might chant oxymoron while you keep verbally angling around your self-destructive plans—but they are treasured the same and what I need. … Continue reading Therapy Thursday
I found this meme on Instagram today that said something like: Mental wellness is not Fight Club. We can talk about it. (I don't remember the precise words, and I couldn't find it again because I'm still pretty lost on that platform. Signed, I'm 43) It made me think of this album of selfies I … Continue reading Mission 1.0
Fellow Tenants: I like it here. Despite the See You Next Tuesday I don't even share walls or a hall with who told the police she smells weed coming from my apartment, I like it. (As an aside, I wish I knew what word she used. Was it "reefer?" Please baby Jesus let it have … Continue reading An Open Letter to My New Neighbors
For three days after I turned into a Prozac Dragon, I didn't take my medicine. Prozac Dragon is the fun name I made up for when my antidepressant capsule got hung up somewhere in my esophagus last week (December 12, 2018, to be exact--a Wednesday. I was supposed to work at the bar, and when … Continue reading Right Now, I Need My Meds
Grace is waking up as late as your dizzy, dizzy head needs to and knowing that a stream of angels will pass through today, that your bar manager is getting your day covered for tomorrow so you can move out of your apartment on time. It's relocating your three customers on yesterday's shift (favorites all--trusted--five … Continue reading 12/6/18
If my daughter stands any chance of surviving her sexual trauma, I have to deal with my own. Yesterday I hung on the neck of an abuser I love like fireworks. The only maniac who would huff gasoline with me in ___________'s basement when we were kids. An ex-roommate who threw his lit cigarette at … Continue reading OMG. WTF, Me?
Meds swallowed and half a cup of coffee down by 9:38 in the morning. Plans to visit a Friend at 11 moved to 11:30 so I can take a shower, scrub my face, and fix my hair before I leave the house (yesterday's attempt was bizarre, and I know it). Right now I'm barefoot with … Continue reading It Always Gets Better
Boyfriend says it's important to get up and shower every day. He says, Leave the house for something. You have to or you'll go crazy. I tell him, No major life decisions when you're manic, and he agrees. We talk for nearly an hour, his manic chatter recognized and named, my seizure-like anxiety (it's sudden and … Continue reading Crazy Love
I have a terrible habit of checking my social media pages before I even get out of bed. It's become part of the ritual, the "easing back into consciousness" as I like to call it. Every so often, this pays off. I find some article or statistic that gets my mind going for the day, … Continue reading Purge
Coffee or Suicide 